Never Give Up, Always Move Forward
Monday, January 20, 2014
Everything Happens For A Reason: The Diet
Everything Happens For A Reason: The Diet: I'm on a diet...my girls and I are going to eat healthy for 30 days. Cut out the sugar, the carbs...if you're a woman, you know th...
The Diet
I'm on a diet...my girls and I are going to eat healthy for 30 days. Cut out the sugar, the carbs...if you're a woman, you know the drill.
Last night, I dreamt about Fruit Loops and I don't like Fruit Loops; however, they contain sugar and lots of it. In my dream, I was holding a big ass bowl filled to the rim with Fruit Loops. I told my youngest daughter about my dream an all she could say was, really mom? Fruit Loops? There are better cereals to dream about, like Count Chocula or Captain Crunch. Huh? Everyone knows Captain Crunch wreaks havoc on the roof of your mouth...nope, it's Fruit Loops.
So, we go out to eat at Applebees. They have a HeartSmart menu, and the girls and I agree to order off of the HeartSmart menu. We high five each other in the car on the way to symbolize we're all in this together. No carbs. No empty calories. No sugar. We even butt tap, like they do after a football game...we can do this!
We sit down and look at the menu, order a Diet Coke (people, I'm from the 80's when TAB was the IT diet soda...tons of money will be saved on embalming me someday, now is not the time to quit). The waitress comes along and looks at my oldest daughter...who, before I know it, orders a cheeseburger and fries. DID WE NOT JUST BOND IN THE CAR? I mean, we high-fived, and butt tapped to seal the deal of sisterhood here. My youngest daughter, by now is not only ordering fettucini alfredo with BREAD STICKS for Pete's Sake, she's also eyeing the desert menu.
By now, I'm clearly glaring at them with the serious glare, they know only too well. I'm determined not to make a scene. My oldest daughter shrugs her shoulders and smiles at me like she's asking me a question, but too chicken to actually say it. Moooooommmm...this is APPLEBEES she whispers!
Wow. I'll take the ginger/rice/shrimp dinner that has 580 calories, I say. Not wanting to ruin the moment...and my girls clearly wanting to change the subject...the waitress brings bread sticks. Before I can form the word NOOOO....they reach in. I know, right? Which they both say in unison. I now call them the traitor twins.
I whisper to them....are we not dieting? Girls, you know I'm dreaming about mint chocolate chip ice cream and Fruit Loops....I haven't felt this betrayed since I was 16 and my brother taunted me by eating stacks of Oreo's like they were M&Ms...cruel.
The waitress finally comes out...boring rice and veggies? I lift a finger..here. She sets the cheeseburger and fries in front of my oldest daughter and fettucini in front of my youngest...not a glimmer of guilt, in fact, quite the opposite..they even guard their plate.
I don't know how you girls sleep at night..I really don't.. We HIGH-FIVED to seal the deal in the spirit of dieting together.
They can't hear me, or by now, they know how to block out Mom babble..."Mom, you want some of my fries.?
YES!
That went well, I think.
Mom glare..
Last night, I dreamt about Fruit Loops and I don't like Fruit Loops; however, they contain sugar and lots of it. In my dream, I was holding a big ass bowl filled to the rim with Fruit Loops. I told my youngest daughter about my dream an all she could say was, really mom? Fruit Loops? There are better cereals to dream about, like Count Chocula or Captain Crunch. Huh? Everyone knows Captain Crunch wreaks havoc on the roof of your mouth...nope, it's Fruit Loops.
So, we go out to eat at Applebees. They have a HeartSmart menu, and the girls and I agree to order off of the HeartSmart menu. We high five each other in the car on the way to symbolize we're all in this together. No carbs. No empty calories. No sugar. We even butt tap, like they do after a football game...we can do this!
We sit down and look at the menu, order a Diet Coke (people, I'm from the 80's when TAB was the IT diet soda...tons of money will be saved on embalming me someday, now is not the time to quit). The waitress comes along and looks at my oldest daughter...who, before I know it, orders a cheeseburger and fries. DID WE NOT JUST BOND IN THE CAR? I mean, we high-fived, and butt tapped to seal the deal of sisterhood here. My youngest daughter, by now is not only ordering fettucini alfredo with BREAD STICKS for Pete's Sake, she's also eyeing the desert menu.
By now, I'm clearly glaring at them with the serious glare, they know only too well. I'm determined not to make a scene. My oldest daughter shrugs her shoulders and smiles at me like she's asking me a question, but too chicken to actually say it. Moooooommmm...this is APPLEBEES she whispers!
Wow. I'll take the ginger/rice/shrimp dinner that has 580 calories, I say. Not wanting to ruin the moment...and my girls clearly wanting to change the subject...the waitress brings bread sticks. Before I can form the word NOOOO....they reach in. I know, right? Which they both say in unison. I now call them the traitor twins.
I whisper to them....are we not dieting? Girls, you know I'm dreaming about mint chocolate chip ice cream and Fruit Loops....I haven't felt this betrayed since I was 16 and my brother taunted me by eating stacks of Oreo's like they were M&Ms...cruel.
The waitress finally comes out...boring rice and veggies? I lift a finger..here. She sets the cheeseburger and fries in front of my oldest daughter and fettucini in front of my youngest...not a glimmer of guilt, in fact, quite the opposite..they even guard their plate.
I don't know how you girls sleep at night..I really don't.. We HIGH-FIVED to seal the deal in the spirit of dieting together.
They can't hear me, or by now, they know how to block out Mom babble..."Mom, you want some of my fries.?
YES!
That went well, I think.
Mom glare..
Everything Happens For A Reason: Shit Happens..For A Reason
Everything Happens For A Reason: Shit Happens..For A Reason: I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance and nothing is inherently negative, challenging y...
Shit Happens..For A Reason
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance and nothing is inherently negative, challenging yes but negative no. This perspective is nothing new and has been repeated and phrased differently by many people, over many centuries. For me it’s a view that makes sense and can really help people gain perspective when we come up against difficult times. When people have to cope with difficult situations in their lives, they sometimes reassure themselves by saying that everything happens for a reason. For some people, thinking this way makes it easier to deal with relationship problems, financial crises, disease, death, and even natural disasters such as earthquakes. It can be distressing to think that bad things happen merely through chance or accident. But they do.
Everything happens for a reason, but....... Why the "but"...well, because as much as I believe that everything truly does happen for a reason, I still think we need to do something to help ourselves first. If your mother is like my mother, when something distressing or challenging happens to me, she will inevitably say..."honey, when one door closes, another opens." It is simply necessary to be open enough to see that other door. Some people say, whatever happened, was God's will. I truly believe this as well. I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us. I also believe that we exercise free will. Often, bad things happen to good people. I don't believe that God makes these things happen. Life happens. He brings us the strength to get through them, which is why I always pray for strength to make it through whatever challenges I am facing as well as for those around me.
I also strongly believe that everything we have experienced in our lifetime is for a reason. I wonder why my marriage happened in the first place and then I look at my four children and I know, that there are four good reasons why. God has a plan for each of them and that is important.
I also believe that if we are never faced with tough decisions or difficult times in our lives we will never fully be able to appreciate the really good times. I don't think that my belief that everything happens for a reason is a "crutch" I lean on to explain away these things that happen. For example, Stephen Hawkings said "I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road." OK, I see your point, Steve. It's easy to say that we have this free will, which we have, and that we're regularly screwing up our own lives by the bad choices we make. But I'm not talking about buying the almost-expired steaks that made you sick just to save a little money versus going to the butcher. I'm talking the TOUGH decisions that keep you up at night. The ones you struggle with for days, weeks, or years wondering if you're doing the right thing. The ones that cause many people to FINALLY turn to God for when they have nowhere else to go.
I don't mean to go all holy roller on you - that's not me. But think about a tough decision you made once that, looking back, you realized, "If I hadn't done that, I'd never be here today." Taking that job. Not taking that job. Moving to a new city. Not moving. Ending a relationship or a marriage. Starting a new relationship too soon or to quickly, or taking too long to tell that person how you really feel. Deciding to have a child and losing that child. Deciding not to have a child and becoming pregnant. Everyone asks why at some point but the kicker is, there is no answer. You will never in this life come to a full understanding of it. So you can wallow in your "did I do the right thing" mentality forever, or you can hope that the reason you made that decision was that God was at the helm, guiding you like a mouse through the maze of this crazy thing called life, searching and searching for that cheese. We may not think we'll ever find it, but He does.
And sometimes, that's all we have to hold onto. So why not just hold onto it?
Psychological research has identified many ways to build resilience in individuals and groups, such as developing problem solving skills and strong social networks. Life can be highly meaningful even if some things that happen are just accidents. Stuff happens and you deal with it.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Wife Qualities
Okay...I admit it, once in awhile, I read this "Good Guy Swag" blog...I can't help it, he writes so well and I often find myself smiling when I read his blogs. Anyway, I'm going to do a re-blog - which means, I'm going to post the link to his blog on the 10 great qualities you would look for in a wife. Now, why would that interest me? I think it is interesting to see life from the point-of-view of a guy. One thing I have learned is that a guy thinks differently than a gal, almost always.
Click on the link which will re-direct you to the re-blog:
Generally speaking, gender wise that is, that most of us are looking for similar things in a partner, so it's really hard to generalize. Personally, if I were a guy (and clearly I am not), I would look for these five things:
1. Is she attractive on the inside? Sure, beauty is really important, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. How many times have you seen a couple together and you think...really? So, it is true, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which holds hands with chemistry/attraction and all of that, which is definitely important...you can't have that "zing" without the "spark plug to ignite it." That said, however, after years pass on, she better be just as attractive on the inside, because if she's not...you're going to be stuck with someone that doesn't look the same anymore on the inside or the outside.
2. Have fun together. Seriously, if you can't laugh, fart, burp or something along the "real" side of life, it's gonna get awkward. I remember having a date after graduating high school, first date with this guy my mom set me up with...I thought, great, another one of those "nerdy type guys" she typed a college paper for. Turned out, he was so darn cute, I felt like I won the lottery; however, whatever I ate that day gave me terrible gas pains. I spent the whole nite trying to "withhold" and not stink him out of his cute little sportscar, or worse yet, have him hear those vulgar sounds...you know what I mean here, we've all done it and it's not pretty and unless you were blessed with a pair of Double D's, to distract his attention from bodily noises, it's gonna be embarrassing. Anyway, great guy, fun date, went on to have three or four dates, but couldn't get past the fact that he was just way too cute for me..(only a girlfriend would understand what I'm talking about)...couldn't get past the "awkward" stage.
3. Be proud to be seen in public together. Let's face it, if you don't have that, you're going to end up doing things alone and that simply isn't the point here. You may wonder why I put this in the list, but it seriously is important..think about it.
4. You share core beliefs. Okay...on the serious side here, this is a real dealbreaker...in the sense that if you don't share some core beliefs, life is going to be miserable. Along with this comes trustworthiness and loyalty. These are also categories that fall into core beliefs. That doesn't mean you always have to agree - the spice in life comes from being different to a certain degree, that makes life interesting, but I'm talking about the foundation of a person.
5. She loves you, unconditionally. I put this last one on the list from the female perspective - for a reason. A woman who loves you, unconditionally, will be your rock. She'll make you a better person. She'll show you selflessness. She will love you so much, it may scare you...but and this is a BIG but, if she loves you, unconditionally, well that's simply the best feeling in the world. It also ties the whole picture together, like the big red bow on a package.
Anyway, be sure to click on Kris Wolfe's blog - it's well written and a little humorous. All in all, I agree with what he says...and while a guy may have a pretty straight forward list, like "Blonde, hot, sexy, likes football"...I think both genders have a list of qualities they look for in a partner. Some are dealbreakers. If you're already in a relationship, love can overwrite any of the rules...but life is certainly better if we have a partner that loves you, shares your beliefs, you enjoy being around and are proud to be seen together...well that's simply the best. If you're like me, single, over 50, entering the dating world again...it's a whole new territory waiting to be explored...but these things, well they just really don't change, do they.
Click on the link which will re-direct you to the re-blog:
Generally speaking, gender wise that is, that most of us are looking for similar things in a partner, so it's really hard to generalize. Personally, if I were a guy (and clearly I am not), I would look for these five things:
1. Is she attractive on the inside? Sure, beauty is really important, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. How many times have you seen a couple together and you think...really? So, it is true, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which holds hands with chemistry/attraction and all of that, which is definitely important...you can't have that "zing" without the "spark plug to ignite it." That said, however, after years pass on, she better be just as attractive on the inside, because if she's not...you're going to be stuck with someone that doesn't look the same anymore on the inside or the outside.
2. Have fun together. Seriously, if you can't laugh, fart, burp or something along the "real" side of life, it's gonna get awkward. I remember having a date after graduating high school, first date with this guy my mom set me up with...I thought, great, another one of those "nerdy type guys" she typed a college paper for. Turned out, he was so darn cute, I felt like I won the lottery; however, whatever I ate that day gave me terrible gas pains. I spent the whole nite trying to "withhold" and not stink him out of his cute little sportscar, or worse yet, have him hear those vulgar sounds...you know what I mean here, we've all done it and it's not pretty and unless you were blessed with a pair of Double D's, to distract his attention from bodily noises, it's gonna be embarrassing. Anyway, great guy, fun date, went on to have three or four dates, but couldn't get past the fact that he was just way too cute for me..(only a girlfriend would understand what I'm talking about)...couldn't get past the "awkward" stage.
3. Be proud to be seen in public together. Let's face it, if you don't have that, you're going to end up doing things alone and that simply isn't the point here. You may wonder why I put this in the list, but it seriously is important..think about it.
4. You share core beliefs. Okay...on the serious side here, this is a real dealbreaker...in the sense that if you don't share some core beliefs, life is going to be miserable. Along with this comes trustworthiness and loyalty. These are also categories that fall into core beliefs. That doesn't mean you always have to agree - the spice in life comes from being different to a certain degree, that makes life interesting, but I'm talking about the foundation of a person.
5. She loves you, unconditionally. I put this last one on the list from the female perspective - for a reason. A woman who loves you, unconditionally, will be your rock. She'll make you a better person. She'll show you selflessness. She will love you so much, it may scare you...but and this is a BIG but, if she loves you, unconditionally, well that's simply the best feeling in the world. It also ties the whole picture together, like the big red bow on a package.
Anyway, be sure to click on Kris Wolfe's blog - it's well written and a little humorous. All in all, I agree with what he says...and while a guy may have a pretty straight forward list, like "Blonde, hot, sexy, likes football"...I think both genders have a list of qualities they look for in a partner. Some are dealbreakers. If you're already in a relationship, love can overwrite any of the rules...but life is certainly better if we have a partner that loves you, shares your beliefs, you enjoy being around and are proud to be seen together...well that's simply the best. If you're like me, single, over 50, entering the dating world again...it's a whole new territory waiting to be explored...but these things, well they just really don't change, do they.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Everything Happens For A Reason: Things I've Learned About Heaven From the Intenet
Everything Happens For A Reason: Things I've Learned About Heaven From the Intenet: Quotes, thoughts, movies, song lyrics, blogs, articles, scientific articles, theologians, philosophers, artists, authors all have written o...
Things I've Learned About Heaven From the Intenet
Quotes, thoughts, movies, song lyrics, blogs, articles, scientific articles, theologians, philosophers, artists, authors all have written or posted something significant about Heaven. I capitalized it because I believe it to be a place. As my Dad would say, anywho...here's the fast list about what I have learned about Heaven from the Internet, be it true or false, an opinion or a feeling, a song or an article...here we go:
1. Life, as we know it, is not the "real" one - we were made for heaven (the creation account in Genesis wasn't meant to be taken seriously?)
2. Heaven is a place on earth (according to Melissa Etheridge's song).
3. Many of us derive a mental picture of Heaven from what we see in the movies or on television (oh, for sure).
4. Heaven is what many of us hold deep in our souls, which is a feeling that after death, we are really going somewhere (I sure hope so!).
5. The Jewish faith focuses on life in the here and now, opposed to heaven (pretty good lesson for all of us to learn, if you ask me).
6. Shows on television like Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer have approximately 10 million people tuning in for "church" each week (and you thought your church was big). Joel Osteen's church pulls in approximately 70 million per year in revenue (that's some pretty big cheese).
7. Mitch Ablom's book and version of heaven sounds like a family reunion (plenty of people could view this as the opposite of Heaven).
8. The Dalai Lama laughed hard at Barbara Walter's question in an interview, "Are you a God?" (I really like that guy...and in case you're wondering, he considers himself a teacher). The Dalai Lama, in case you are wondering, as well, views heaven as not the end goal to achieve, but rather passing through a place. (Did I mention, I really like this guy?).
9. The 72 virgin promise for jihadists doesn't come from the Quran, but other texts which quote Muhammad (you learn something new every day).
10. In Islam, 72 means countless. (Like I said, you learn something new every day).
11. The definition of Faith is different for just about everyone, just as each of us defines Heaven (the irony, of course, is that claiming the unprovable (i.e., affirming the unprovable tenet of divine non-existence is also an act of faith).
12. I think scientists forget that their job is to explain "how" and not "why" (which is also a good science lesson for all of us).
13. When the astronauts quoted from Genesis as they looked over earth, from space for the first time, is still one of the most awesome moments (my opinion).
14. Upwards of 18 million Americans have claimed to have had a near death experience (I am not among them, but I have had moments of the unexplained, and I think that counts for something).
15. Atheists or skeptics of Heaven, in my view, at one point in their lives (maybe the end), will pray (my opinion).
16. There are people who are living in hell today (Literally, watch the news).
17. 90% of Americans believe in heaven (which is comforting considering the option).
So, you see...there are so many thoughts on the subject of Heaven, and probably so many of you are more qualified than I am to quote scripture. I don't claim to be an expert on any of the above, I am not a "Bible thumper", my faith is my own. I don't pass judgement on the views of others. I believe that love is unconditional or it's not really love. I believe the definition of Faith is different for each and every one of us, and I simply cannot define mine for you other than to state it is the belief of something unprovable, yet believed and is as real to me, yet unseen, and can be likened to the feeling of the wind as it blows through my hair...I cannot see it, yet I can feel it, I know it is real and it is present.
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Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Everything Happens For A Reason: Why would anyone want to date a single mom? Thing...
Everything Happens For A Reason: Why would anyone want to date a single mom? Thing...: Why would anyone want to date a single mom? Thing is, there are a lot of "us" out there, re-entering the strange world of dating...
Why would anyone want to date a single mom? Thing is, there are a lot of "us" out there, re-entering the strange world of dating. It's not the same as it used to be when we were younger and dating. Back then, there were no kids to consider, and potential dates came from your social circles instead of a computer or well-meaning friends who arrange "blind dates". Anywho, here's my take on why dating a single mom is a great idea:
1. Single moms are pretty independent, because they have to be. So, the woman sitting across from you is no wimp!
2. Your mom always said, choose a partner that would be a great mother to your kids. Here's the good news..she's already a great mom! Look no further.
3. She'll be good for you, she's already incredibly patient.
4. She won't play games, she doesn't have time to just fool around. Thus, she will be good for you. She will take you seriously.
5. She's going to size you up to see if you have what it takes to be a good thing for not only herself, but her kids.
6. She is easy to please. She doesn't get too much time for herself, or a break - so she is easy to pamper. Trust me on this one, dinner out that isn't pizza or a cheeseburger wrapped in paper is truly a treat.
1. Single moms are pretty independent, because they have to be. So, the woman sitting across from you is no wimp!
2. Your mom always said, choose a partner that would be a great mother to your kids. Here's the good news..she's already a great mom! Look no further.
3. She'll be good for you, she's already incredibly patient.
4. She won't play games, she doesn't have time to just fool around. Thus, she will be good for you. She will take you seriously.
5. She's going to size you up to see if you have what it takes to be a good thing for not only herself, but her kids.
6. She is easy to please. She doesn't get too much time for herself, or a break - so she is easy to pamper. Trust me on this one, dinner out that isn't pizza or a cheeseburger wrapped in paper is truly a treat.
7. She is loyal and fiercely protective of her brood.
8. She knows how to articulate her wants and needs in a relationship.
9. She is practical and fun - she's not into DIVA behavior, unless she's watching Atlanta Housewives on Bravo, but doesn't want to experience it.
10. She has long since worn out the party girl lifestyle, but a fun night out is always a treat.
11. She’s selfless. Single moms put others’ needs before their own.
12. She can make you a great spaghetti dinner, she's talented like that. She can also give a great neck rub.
13. She's got children and if you are privileged enough to enter her inner circle, you'll get to tag along to adventures like soccer zone and the zoo.
14. She has an endless capacity to love those around her, whether they are her own children or those of another.
15. She understands that those she meets have their own baggage, those bags just come in different colors, if she's willing to help you "unpack", she's a keeper.
16. A single mom, really has to handle all "ground zero issues" at home - that makes her very adaptable - she can feed a crew of two as easily as sixteen, grocery shop on a budget, and multi-task; however, she is also very appreciative of a helping hand - she is easily enchanted by acts of kindness.
17. She has a new view on love - you see, a single mom has already dealt with a broken heart, she'll likely love you like you've never been loved before. I placed this close to the end, not because it lacks importance, but because if you've read this far, hopefully you see the single mom with great ability to love already.
18. She is fluent in the language of love, verbal and nonverbal - expect she would wrap her arms around you every morning and every night, in every way.
19. She makes a great best friend and knows what that means.
20. She's used to working hard, in her home and work - while she is used to being in control, because she has to be in control, she welcomes sharing that with another and knows how to enjoy riding in the passenger seat.
So, you see, dating a single mom may be a really good thing, when you look at what she does every day and how she does it.
Everything Happens For A Reason: The Rabbit Hole
Everything Happens For A Reason: The Rabbit Hole: January marks the one year anniversary of my independence and the start of a new life, on my own, at 51-years of age. My children and I ha...
The Rabbit Hole
January marks the one year anniversary of my independence and the start of a new life, on my own, at 51-years of age. My children and I have lived a year of "firsts", by taking them one at a time and simply by setting some new traditions along the way. It's hard to be a single mom and hold down the fort, all the while, dealing with what I call "ground zero issues" meaning simply, taking care of the day-to-day things that need tending, like laundry, repairs, grocery shopping, homework, etc. It is also time for me to crawl out of my "Rabbit Hole" as I like to put it, and put some things behind me solidly to move forward. My rabbit hole is a comfortable place, where I seek solace and try not to contemplate too far ahead in the future (overwhelming). I think, to move forward in life, one must always look over her shoulder to see where she has been to know where she is going in the future. As I "peek" out of my rabbit hole, I glance behind me, but step forward.
Glancing behind me, I recall that when my relationship was unraveling, I was literally walking on eggshells in many ways. A home where conflicts abounded, not so much verbally..no much worse than that..silently, living in a house built on resentment. Recognizing an untenable situation, the egg was cracked and there was no way to make it whole again, however, my path is still encumbered by a few pesky eggshells leftover. Clearly, this year was paved with that path of walking on those eggshells, as life is not "over-easy" (pardon the play on words).
Walking forward, I have decided to incubate a new egg, just for me. (what's with the eggs here?) Well, an egg is a "symbol" of new life and this is exactly what I need to create. I am past the delicate phase, or delicate shell and while I don't know what the path is going to include, this instant (and that is okay), a plan to nurture myself knowing that months or years from now I will look back on this phase of my life as hopeful instead of unknown.
I look back at our year of "firsts" and clearly, we were in uncharted territory (my children and I), but and this is a big BUT, our new path is going to be paved with hope instead of broken eggshells. I'm going to sweep the floors to clear a path out of the rabbit hole, which provided me great comfort and incubate a new me. When it's time, she will peck her way out of the shell and emerge into her new life, knowing exactly where she is going to fly.
So, here's to a new year, and a good Egg.
Glancing behind me, I recall that when my relationship was unraveling, I was literally walking on eggshells in many ways. A home where conflicts abounded, not so much verbally..no much worse than that..silently, living in a house built on resentment. Recognizing an untenable situation, the egg was cracked and there was no way to make it whole again, however, my path is still encumbered by a few pesky eggshells leftover. Clearly, this year was paved with that path of walking on those eggshells, as life is not "over-easy" (pardon the play on words).
Walking forward, I have decided to incubate a new egg, just for me. (what's with the eggs here?) Well, an egg is a "symbol" of new life and this is exactly what I need to create. I am past the delicate phase, or delicate shell and while I don't know what the path is going to include, this instant (and that is okay), a plan to nurture myself knowing that months or years from now I will look back on this phase of my life as hopeful instead of unknown.
I look back at our year of "firsts" and clearly, we were in uncharted territory (my children and I), but and this is a big BUT, our new path is going to be paved with hope instead of broken eggshells. I'm going to sweep the floors to clear a path out of the rabbit hole, which provided me great comfort and incubate a new me. When it's time, she will peck her way out of the shell and emerge into her new life, knowing exactly where she is going to fly.
So, here's to a new year, and a good Egg.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
A Woman's Body Language
There are hidden cues in a woman's body language, some are obvious and some are not so obvious. So, I recently had lunch with a buddy of mine who "decoded" a woman's body language.
A woman's face will "animate" when she is interested in you and what you are saying. Watch her eyebrows, lips and eyes to see how she reacts to the things you are saying. Strangely, if she "raises" her eyebrows, it is not necessarily a negative body language...in fact, most of the them, it is probably a good thing particularly if it comes with a smile. Sometimes, a woman will raise her eyebrows if she is interested in what she sees.
Likewise, if she is biting her lip or "pursing" her lips in a certain way, it is almost always to draw attention to her lips...not necessarily just a fidgety movement. Note to self: I often catch myself doing this!
Watch how a woman sits. If she sits facing you or turns to where you are sitting, she is interested in what you have to say. If she rests her heads on her hands or maybe tilts her head to the side to see you, she is definitely in tune to what you are saying.
Crossed arms, leaning back - always a definite sign she is feeling defensive or shutting down - instead of giving up, simply change the focus of what you are saying and watch her relax! (The jury is out on this one...I am not sure, myself)!
She plays with her hair. If she twirls her hair or smooths it out, she may be feeling pensive or self-conscious about her appearance; however, if she is talking to you and twirling her hair around a finger, for example....she's flirting.
Watch her fingers...Seriously...when a woman is interested in whom she is next to, she may carelessly fidget with her necklace, casually touch her collarbone - that's a definite positive flirtatious signal she probably doesn't even know she is doing. If she's stroking the stem of a wineglass...she is giving off an exogenous, albeit subconscious signal that she is interested...consider it a kind of fidgeting, but in a positive way. On the other hand, if she is tapping the glass nervously, she may be thinking...where's the exit sign?
Crossed legs. Interestingly, if a woman is sitting across from you and she crosses her legs...she is sending out a subconscious signal that she is either interested in what you are saying...or flirting with you. She may even stroke her thigh (subconsciously), also a positive sign she is into you and probably not even aware she is doing it. Or, she may simply want you to notice her long legs.
Mirroring your movements - A woman who likes you or is interested in you may also mirror your movements. Body language is, for the most part, a subconscious behavior that we really don't realize we are doing. Take for instance, eye contact - holding your gaze for a moment longer that she might normally do is a definite sign a woman is interested in what you are saying. She is subconsciously measuring your face, your eyes, what you are saying and how you are saying it. These nonverbal cues have an impact on how she responds with her own body language and also what she is saying. If a woman is nervous or feeling a little insecure about herself, she may exhibit body language that reflects that.
Take a moment the next time you are talking with a woman and take a cue from her body language. If she is interested in you, she will turn toward you, lean in, make eye contact, fidget, twirl her hair. She may even touch your arm or your shoulder if she feels comfortable to enhance a point she is making.
Communication between men and women in an age where technology has taken over with texting and email becomes less innate than in the past. Lets not forget the importance of our personal interactions and how meaningful they can be to all of us. Bottom line, when talking to a woman, watch her body language and gauge your own for enhanced communication.
A woman's face will "animate" when she is interested in you and what you are saying. Watch her eyebrows, lips and eyes to see how she reacts to the things you are saying. Strangely, if she "raises" her eyebrows, it is not necessarily a negative body language...in fact, most of the them, it is probably a good thing particularly if it comes with a smile. Sometimes, a woman will raise her eyebrows if she is interested in what she sees.
Likewise, if she is biting her lip or "pursing" her lips in a certain way, it is almost always to draw attention to her lips...not necessarily just a fidgety movement. Note to self: I often catch myself doing this!
Watch how a woman sits. If she sits facing you or turns to where you are sitting, she is interested in what you have to say. If she rests her heads on her hands or maybe tilts her head to the side to see you, she is definitely in tune to what you are saying.
Crossed arms, leaning back - always a definite sign she is feeling defensive or shutting down - instead of giving up, simply change the focus of what you are saying and watch her relax! (The jury is out on this one...I am not sure, myself)!
She plays with her hair. If she twirls her hair or smooths it out, she may be feeling pensive or self-conscious about her appearance; however, if she is talking to you and twirling her hair around a finger, for example....she's flirting.
Watch her fingers...Seriously...when a woman is interested in whom she is next to, she may carelessly fidget with her necklace, casually touch her collarbone - that's a definite positive flirtatious signal she probably doesn't even know she is doing. If she's stroking the stem of a wineglass...she is giving off an exogenous, albeit subconscious signal that she is interested...consider it a kind of fidgeting, but in a positive way. On the other hand, if she is tapping the glass nervously, she may be thinking...where's the exit sign?
Crossed legs. Interestingly, if a woman is sitting across from you and she crosses her legs...she is sending out a subconscious signal that she is either interested in what you are saying...or flirting with you. She may even stroke her thigh (subconsciously), also a positive sign she is into you and probably not even aware she is doing it. Or, she may simply want you to notice her long legs.
Mirroring your movements - A woman who likes you or is interested in you may also mirror your movements. Body language is, for the most part, a subconscious behavior that we really don't realize we are doing. Take for instance, eye contact - holding your gaze for a moment longer that she might normally do is a definite sign a woman is interested in what you are saying. She is subconsciously measuring your face, your eyes, what you are saying and how you are saying it. These nonverbal cues have an impact on how she responds with her own body language and also what she is saying. If a woman is nervous or feeling a little insecure about herself, she may exhibit body language that reflects that.
Take a moment the next time you are talking with a woman and take a cue from her body language. If she is interested in you, she will turn toward you, lean in, make eye contact, fidget, twirl her hair. She may even touch your arm or your shoulder if she feels comfortable to enhance a point she is making.
Communication between men and women in an age where technology has taken over with texting and email becomes less innate than in the past. Lets not forget the importance of our personal interactions and how meaningful they can be to all of us. Bottom line, when talking to a woman, watch her body language and gauge your own for enhanced communication.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Why Do We Have This Self-Esteem Thing Backwards?
Self esteem is an insidious problem in the world. On a Northern Exposure episode (Did anyone else just love this show?) Ed told the Native American shaman about his struggle with low self-esteem. “You know,” said the wise mentor to his protégé, “low self-esteem is the cause of nearly all the suffering in the world.”
This is SO true. How do you know if you have self esteem issues?
Do you have trouble saying “No?” It could be a self esteem issue, because you don’t value your time!
Do you have trouble asking for help? It could be a self esteem issue, because you don’t think you deserve help!
Do you set your prices too low? It could be a self esteem issue, because you don’t value your services!
Do you apologize for things that are not your fault? It could be a self esteem issue, because you’re really apologizing for who you are.
Do you have trouble committing to relationships or expressing affection? It could be a self esteem issue, because you don’t really believe that you are lovable.
Do you get super jealous? It could be a self esteem issue, because you don’t really think you could hold the interest of your partner.
Do you spend a lot of time comparing? It could be a self esteem issue, because you want a point of reference for how you see yourself?
Are you a perfectionist? It could be a self esteem issue, because you’re desperately seeking approval in ways that you know will never satisfy you.
There are so many subtle forms of self sabotage. Those of us with low self esteem, yes I’ve had my own life long battle with low self esteem, do things to confirm what we have grown to believe about ourselves over many years. It becomes a familiar, but false, comfort.
Of course you don’t realize that’s what you’re doing at the time. How could you? That sort of self awareness requires the ability to see yourself clearly, and this is the heart of the self esteem problem. You don’t even see yourself clearly in a mirror, let alone seeing the deeper goodness and value.
Once you have some self awareness, or more likely when you have moments of self awareness, you see what you’re doing. Then you stop looking for outside affirmation to prove you’re worthy or outside criticism to prove you’re not.
We can help to build each other’s self esteem, but we can’t control or manipulate it. Its a personal journey within.
Here are some things we CAN do to support each other;
We CAN point each other to what we see in the other person, and hope that they see it too. Hafiz said,
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.
We can’t show people their light, but we can point to it, notice it and appreciate it until beauty becomes seen to the bolder.
We can’t tell people they’re special, because so is everyone else. If everyone’s special, the whole notion becomes meaningless. We CAN be specific. We can tell people what we specifically value about them. People are smart enough to see through vague and disingenuous praise. Be specific, and don’t lie.
Inaccurate praise is confusing. If you tell me I’m a good singer, I will learn not to trust my own instincts to never sing outside of the shower, and also that your praise is dishonest. Its far better to gently let me know not to give up my day job, and assure that I have other things going for me than singing.
If we only tell boys that they’ve got big muscles and only tell girls that they look pretty, we shouldn’t be surprised that they start to value those superficial things. And even if it’s true, these things fade so quickly. To help build self esteem, focus on more lasting qualities. Praise your kids for being empathetic and caring. Tell them you noticed how well they negotiated conflict. Focus on the sort of qualities that relate to the whole person, and not just one, changing achievement.
We get self esteem backwards when we think it has to do with how good you are at things. Self esteem is about knowing yourself honestly. Its about accepting (even appreciating) yourself as you are, faults, foibles and all. Its not about being perfect, its about being perfectly okay with who you are.
Self esteem that is built from the inside out, based on self acceptance, breeds resilience. We learn to keep going, even when voices inside and out are telling us to self destruct. Self esteem makes us strong for all the ups and downs of life’s journey, not just puffed up in short lived ego trips.
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