Drama, It's Everywhere!

What would life be like without a day of drama?  In fact, some days, I actually own the title Drama Queen.  I'm certainly no exception, but in 2015, I'm going to start with a more positive outlook.  The drama in my life is quite simple.

When cooking the mixer goes in the bowl, not in the hair.  Or quite possibly, this drama could be completely eliminated by not mixing culinary skills with that great bottle of Skinny Girl Wine.

Speaking of Skinny Girl Wine, a drama day can start right off the bat on those days we feel, well "fat"..  Let's face it folks, real women have curves, we don't have time to photoshop and I'm sure the price is way out of my budget.  So, it's time to just accept who we are.  This is what a real woman looks like.

Wait a minute...that's photoshopped...

I'd say, that's about close enough...but not quite

Let's not forget the drama at work ...there's always a dropped order, a customer to keep happy and WE LOVE our customers!!  So, that's what we do every day.

Well, that's not what I do, but you get the picture.  

If we have kids, there is no shortage of a little drama here or there... that's the easiest drama, right?

A bad hair day can be it's own drama.   It can literally send us to the hair dresser.  Not just hair, either..eyebrows, manicure, sun tanner.. In fact, I recently tried the "safe" spray on tan..just make sure you DON'T forget to use the barrier cream on your palms and those other areas...

Lest, you end up with freckles of speckles.

Drama, drama, drama.. yes, life is full of drama.  Of course we deal with it, we're adults, right?  We don't whine on Facebook with multiple "feelings" quotes or selfies showing we're really Happy.  Oh wait, I'm guilty of that..ooops.

So, you see, I'm quite normal and it wouldn't be responsible blogging if i didn't also post a cure for the Drama Blues...so, here it is and it's available over-the-counter.  It's called Drama Mine.  It can be taken in several ways, depending on the nature of your drama:

Original formula, for "Melo-Drama"...fast acting relief 

Fast and effective for the kids too.

And, when you find yourself posting uploads to social media like this, extra fast acting suppositories will be your best friend in owning your own Drama.   Dramamine..Drama-Mine.  Here's to owning our own drama each and every day!!

A totally humorous blog today, about accepting responsibility for my own drama.  It's as much a part of life as dieting, hair styling, work, raising kids and general life.  If you don't have drama...of course then, this doesn't apply to you.

That works too!!   

Everything Happens For A Reason: The Heart of The Single Working Mother

Everything Happens For A Reason: The Heart of The Single Working Mother: Whenever I say that to my mother, ever the grammar expert, she tells me that is a double entendre. She's right, too, and I love the &qu...

The Heart of The Single Working Mother

Whenever I say that to my mother, ever the grammar expert, she tells me that is a double entendre. She's right, too, and I love the "Oxford Dictionary" description of a double entendre: "A word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is risqué or indecent." I think that sort of fits me, in an odd sort of way. Every mother is a working mother (all of whom I salute as I have worn those pair of shoes), but today, we focus on the single mother who also works outside the home in one or two or three jobs in addition to caring for one or many children, on her own. I also write a little blog for the online "Working Mother Magazine" "Mom bloggers" and often feel like a poser amongst the other bloggers because their blogs are supposed to be a beacon of light to other mothers.

There are so many things a single mother has to juggle and often, it's her heart that gets left behind, too many things to do, which get in the way until the wee hours when everyone is asleep and finally, she has time to hear what's in her heart. Maybe it’s because it’s just past Christmas and this is my second as a single mom. Maybe it’s the empty space that allows my heart to dream. I don’t know what it is, but every now and then this happens. This thing where although I am healing and moving forward, although my heart is getting stronger and my head is in charge, I still have to fight my way out of the grip of a dream. To claw my way back to reality.

The truth is, even when I had him, I didn’t have him. I missed him even when he was sitting right next to me. My heart hurt even when his arms were around me. Because I never really had him. I had an illusion. A dream.

How can you miss something you never had? Someone you never had?

That life, the one in my dream, leaves me lost at times. I want to believe I can have both. Reality and the dream. But they don’t match up. They will never match up. Not with him. And although I have let that go, every now and then I feel the knotting of my heart and I struggle to undo it again.
The ripping apart of a love is never a clean break. The tearing of a heart is always messy. Brutal. It feels savage at times, the rawness of a broken heart. Even when you manage to gather yourself up off the floor and piece yourself back together, there are always little pieces missing. Tiny chips of shattered hope that may never get filled in.

That love chipped away pieces of my heart, and though it is healing, every now and then, without warning, I am reminded of those missing pieces. And they hurt.

So I wake up in the morning with an ache in my chest I can’t explain, and I have to figure out what to do with this thing. This thing I wanted but will never have. This person I loved but who is nothing more than a dream. This thing that leaves me completely breathless if I think about it too long.
I stumbled upon this quote and simply could not have said it any better myself.

“That life. This life. It looks as if you can have both. I mean they’re both right there, one on top of the other, and it looks as if they’ll blend. But they never will. So, you take this thing you want and you put it in a box and you close the lid.
You can let your fingers trace the cracks, the places where the light gets in, the dark gets out, but the lid stays on. You don’t look inside. You don’t look at this thing you want so much because You. Can. Not. Have. It.
So there’s this box you know, with this thing inside, and you could throw it away or shoot it into space; you could set it on fire and watch it burn to ashes, but really, none of that would make a difference, because you cannot destroy what you want… So, you take this thing you want and you put it in a box and you close the lid. And you hold the box closeto your heart, which is where it wants to go, and you pretend it doesn’t kill you every time you feel yourself breathe.” Megan Hart

The untangling. The releasing. The dreaming and redreaming. The holding on and the letting go. The aching and the freedom.

They are all necessary parts of this path. This winding and twisting path. This path to independence, strength and deliverance.

The fact remains that even as we get further down the path to freedom, even as we are so close to it that we can taste the sweetness of a new life, that thing in that box that we feel no choice but to hold in our heart will still be heavy at times.

It will still hurt at times. And there will be days, inevitable days, where the weight of it will be crushing.

And that’s ok.

We will cry. And each time, at each phase of this journey, the tears will be different. Those tears will sting, and they will heal. They will rip apart, and they will mend.

There will be tear drops so heavy, so full of pain, we will have no choice but to release them. The tears will fall through the silence and it will be deafening because with each one, another piece of the dream will shatter. With each drop released, we will feel the weight of that life, that dream, getting just a little bit lighter.

And then, we will lift our eyes. We will look up and we will surrender. We will give each tear to the keeper of our hearts, and with each one, we will be mended. We will not forget what is in that box.
It is only in that place, that beautiful, broken, dark and heavy place, that light can be found through the cracks. In those cracks are the things I love the most in this world. The reason I truly get up every day. The faces that count on me to be strong, to empower and care for them not just financially but emotionally.

To understand the heart of the single mother who often works one or two and sometimes three jobs to make ends meet, there is a whole lot more going on than meets the eye. There's a complex woman responsible for many, compassion for those who are hurting because she knows what that feels like. I don't believe in "rants and raves" in a blog, but hopefully this one will show you the heart of the single mother.

Early Winters - 'Count Me In'

Life Without Homeland Security.

It's true, you know, there is no manual in how to deal with life.  No instruction book to deal with emotions, furnaces that don't start, lawnmowers that need priming or raising kids, especially on your own.  I didn't start this second journey with a family even second guessing myself one bit.  That little voice in the back of your head, well, if you take the time to listen it's usually right on target.  It still won't help you start a lawnmower or understand why a fan belt needs replacing in your V8 engine, but it will steer your course.  Life can be scary when you sit in the unknown space of not knowing which way to go and learning to figure that out on your own.

I remember giving birth to my oldest, some 22-years ago, the memory still as alive in my heart like it was yesterday.  There was no instruction manual for that either.  After some 30 hours of intense labor, the nurses hand me a bundle of joy wrapped up like a burrito (that's what actually popped into my head), with wrinkles of compassion on his brow and the bluest most hypnotizing eyes that blinked knowingly at me as if to say..I know you, I've been listening to the sound of your voice for nine months.  Suddenly, all of my fears about whether or not I could be a good mother were eclipsed by love - and another thing, hope that filled my heart for a lifetime.  I would go on to experience this three more times.  So, how could hope ever abandon me now?  I have been fortunate enough to have these beautiful souls entrusted to me.  The nurses herded us off to a room and leave us there to start our new life of three (then four, then five and finally six), to figure out what they need when they cry and the beauty of each day refilling your heart with unimaginable love.  I look at my then husband and think his position was like Homeland Security.  It's up to him to protect, guide and take care of us.  He had no instruction manual either, but his role was to ensure the fierce love, protection and guidance that only Homeland Security can provide.

Fast forward to today, there is no Homeland Security anymore, that job has become mine and I have no training in Homeland Security.   There is no manual either.  When the kids need the perspective of Homeland Security I have to turn my baseball cap the other way around and try to churn out advice from that perspective.  When the lawnmower doesn't start  I have to turn my baseball cap around and think like Homeland Security - except I don't think like that so I have to resort to Google to query the function of the lawnmower to understand how it runs and determine why it's not working.  Homeland Security in training.  It's like reading and understanding in Chinese.  So, I try to understand Chinese. Until my son nonchalantly walks outside, rambles on about punching a button to prime it twice, switch something like a choke and then yank the pull start.  I suppose he learned all of that from Homeland Security while I was busy working or taking care of the rest of our brood.

You ever watch Charlie's Angels?  Well, there is the smart dark haired beauty with no frills - she's the brains, then there is the beautiful one with innate instincts and some pretty good self defense skills and finally there's the quirkily cute, funny one, slightly clumsy but not without her own talents who may be unnecessary to the three, but often steers them in the right direction regardless of the seriousness of the crime.  Then there is the "voice of Charlie" - sort of like Homeland Security for the Angels.  But that is Hollywood and this is real life.  I'm sort of the unnecessary, quirkily cute, funny one - steering everyone in the right direction regardless of the seriousness of life, without Homeland Security (the voice of "Charlie" we hear but never see).  So much for relating life to movies, but I have a point here - and that is...there is no instruction manual to deal with so many of the things that we deal with in life.

My former Homeland Security used to often quip that I was raised on television (Little House, The Waltons).   Okay, there is truth in that, but there are worse truths be told.  Things we face that evoke fear like the death of a family member, illness, finances, vehicles that don't start, running a business, raising children.

We all face fear, something awful that brings us to our knees and makes us want to sob on all fours like a girl.  How do you lose a parent, spouse, child, deal with divorce, recession, loss of a job, the recession.  Fear will growl at you, follow you, shake you to the core.  Fear will make you wonder if you can take the next step.  Fear will make you doubt yourself like nothing else in this world.

But then, you call upon your stores of love, hope and faith knowing those little people (now quite big) need you, count on you, and your resolve hardens and strengthens.  Even if you feel like a poser amongst those around you, resolve to fight, to move your feet forward and never give up...that's the strength where instruction manuals are born from.

There is nothing heroic in this resolve, it's survival.  I'm never going to be the beautifully cute Charlie's Angel, I'm too clumsy even for comic relief and can actually trip even going up stairs, but what matters is that in my heart, I'm as strong as they appear on screen.  As I write my own instruction manual, I impart that strength and a few good tips from wearing many hats onto my resiliently strong children.  There may never be another Homeland Security and even if there is, it will certainly be a stronger match because we'll both be able to prime, choke and start the lawnmower. 

A Certain Amount of Nonsense Mixed In With Missing Someone Important

She bought things with her heartbeats
Dealt in the currency of time
Counted her pulse to track her spendings
She didn't like to wait in long lines
She wasn't one for banking
Hearbeats aren't something you can save
You either spend them or you lose them
Until there are no heartbeats
I'd give heartbeats to strangers
By listening to their woes
Because a heart's worth more than money
As far as money goes
Money only buys you things
Heartbeats buy so much more

I think back on things and people that I miss the most.  That reminds me how I tried to change.  Yes, I tried to be softer, prettier, close my mouth and not say exactly what it was I wanted to say.  Inevitably, it comes out though.  Even in my dreams I could feel someone travel further and further away.  I missed it before I was gone.  Nonsensical preparation for being dealt the ultimate hand that would mark my fate and I want to turn back time so I can do it differently.

Today, though, I am more brave.  We must persevere and dare to show up and be present.  Even on those days that we feel small.  They say opposites attract, but I think truly we seek what we love in ourselves in another.  Because of that we can look deeper or further into the soul of another because we understand ourselves.  I miss that effective team.

I am self propelled, meaning fueled from within.  I don't need anyone to push me to be better, I'm already there (not perfect) but certainly trying.  I appreciate the opinions of others, but I am not attached to the opinions of them.  I've learned that if you allow the power of someone's opinion to feed you, that power can also starve you. I miss that the power of someone's opinion regardless of what I would do with it.

I like a certain amount of nonsense.  The world is filled with purpose on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.  A certain amount of "nonsense" keeps the wonder in my soul for the outrageous, the magic, the wonderful feeling of amazing.  I miss the amazing magical nonsense. I slept better on amazing days when magical dehydrated me.

I cherish the worries of others in the sense that their feelings are important.  We all have shortcomings.  Resist the impulse to push away the soul who is worried or burdened.  Resist the impulse to make them feel they have let us down and even if they have it doesn't mean they always will.  I miss being able to cherish another's worries as I would my own.

Some people may think that all this notion about love is overrated.  Not me, I think that the day you start thinking it's overrated is the day you've gone wrong.  The only thing wrong with love, faith and hope is not having it.

This new dynamic that is now not so new is difficult.  It's not as simple as you do or you don't.  I know that.  It's just that keeping that around makes it impossible to let go and both are impossible options to be dealt.  I'm not perfect and I don't know any perfect people, only flawed people who are totally worth loving.  I also keep them in my prayers.  In prayer, it is better to have a heart without words than words without heart.

Second Chances

Second chances, most of the time, we don't get one in life.  I bet the Detroit Lions wish they had a second chance against the Packers.   Still, like football, another game, a re-match or do-over may not have the desired result either.  Yet, the thought of having a second chance gives us the feeling of "hope" for a different outcome, and leading up to a second chance we change strategies, re-think the mistakes of the first experience and alter the course, if that is possible.  Life is like that too, sometimes.

I'm no exception either when it comes to that nagging thought about something I should have done, would have done, could have done better..if only.   "If only"  just saying that sounds like a movie title, a romance novel, an illness, a football game...no two words together in our language can mean so much.

If only I would have handled the situation better.  If only I weren't so afraid.  If only I were smarter, more knowledgeable about the subject, better in tune to my heart, more grounded in my affirmations, more well read or in touch with my own self.  If only I were smarter, richer, thinner, funnier, more understanding.  If only.  If only.

I could go on all day with the "if only" statements, but that simply won't lead me anywhere other than a huge squiggly circle that will ultimately haphazardly end up back at ground zero.

I'm only me.  I can try to be different, but the pendulum will only swing so far out before it lands hard, real hard and back in the center.  Along with that comes the realization that some things I can change, others I cannot change.  I think it's meant to be that way in life.  It's having the wisdom to know the difference between the two, this is the skill set I lack.

So, instead, I'm going to just allow myself a few moments to meander into that little day dream world of mine that just so happens to be this brown haired, brown eyed slightly quirky little vixen in touch with her inner geek, whose true self swings more toward the twisted sister humor if you take the time to pry a little bit, most don't.   When she's comfortable, that side comes out, little by little, testing to make sure it's still loveable.   After all, we all just want to be loved.

I don't live in a cinematic version of the Wizard of Oz, where all things are as possible as a dream.  This is reality, the real deal.  This is life and I want a second chance.  A second chance to grab the strong slightly rough hand of Amazing and whirlwind through the dull routine of earnings and sales, with a foundation of love conquers all, mixed with the right amount of incredible experiences that can only be labeled "I didn't know it could be that good"..you see those are the most treasured things in life, things that are experienced with someone which are shelved away in the parts of our soul to be later checked out and revisited occasionally as a reminder that, indeed, it was the best.  No matter what happens in life, those are the things we don't forget.   Not only that, but the fact that Amazing (and Amazing isn't always perfect, but that's what makes it Amazing to begin with), is a part of what makes tomorrow something to look forward to.   Amazing makes those setbacks that occur in everyone's life seem surmontable.   Amazing makes those victories and achievements regardless of whose they are (ours or those we care about) all that sweeter. Amazing makes a Smartphone ring differently because we want it to ring, buzz or tweet.  Amazing makes our cheeks flush with happiness.  Amazing is what life is all about.

A second chance with the rough but strong hand of Amazing may not be possible.  Like I said, this is the real world where things like free will and happy endings in a Nicholas Sparks movie give us an intersection to pause and reflect, and ultimately decide, which road am I going to go down.  Will it be Second Chance Avenue or will it be Not Yet Park Place.  I know where these two roads intersect, but I avoid going close to the stop sign just yet.  Then, "If Only" becomes, "hope" and a second chance requires planning, thought and reevaluating where the last chance ended up, hoping to alter the course.

In the meantime, I know what I want, and every single map I trace my path on circles me back to Second Chance Avenue where the address resides for Amazing.  I just keep on going til I hit my current destination which is yet to be plotted and just a holding pattern until I finally decide I'm either going to rewrite a Nicholas Sparks ending on some grand scale that would make 50-Shades blush or I'm going to exit to the freeway and never look back at Second Chance Avenue and Amazing will still be Amazing, just not to me.   Amazing is never the same twice, ever.  Not in any situation.

So, here's to second chances, followed by "If only" and hoping that Amazing can afford a GPS to get on track and make it to the right intersection.