It's true, you know, there is no manual in how to deal with life. No instruction book to deal with emotions, furnaces that don't start, lawnmowers that need priming or raising kids, especially on your own. I didn't start this second journey with a family even second guessing myself one bit. That little voice in the back of your head, well, if you take the time to listen it's usually right on target. It still won't help you start a lawnmower or understand why a fan belt needs replacing in your V8 engine, but it will steer your course. Life can be scary when you sit in the unknown space of not knowing which way to go and learning to figure that out on your own.
I remember giving birth to my oldest, some 22-years ago, the memory still as alive in my heart like it was yesterday. There was no instruction manual for that either. After some 30 hours of intense labor, the nurses hand me a bundle of joy wrapped up like a burrito (that's what actually popped into my head), with wrinkles of compassion on his brow and the bluest most hypnotizing eyes that blinked knowingly at me as if to say..I know you, I've been listening to the sound of your voice for nine months. Suddenly, all of my fears about whether or not I could be a good mother were eclipsed by love - and another thing, hope that filled my heart for a lifetime. I would go on to experience this three more times. So, how could hope ever abandon me now? I have been fortunate enough to have these beautiful souls entrusted to me. The nurses herded us off to a room and leave us there to start our new life of three (then four, then five and finally six), to figure out what they need when they cry and the beauty of each day refilling your heart with unimaginable love. I look at my then husband and think his position was like Homeland Security. It's up to him to protect, guide and take care of us. He had no instruction manual either, but his role was to ensure the fierce love, protection and guidance that only Homeland Security can provide.
Fast forward to today, there is no Homeland Security anymore, that job has become mine and I have no training in Homeland Security. There is no manual either. When the kids need the perspective of Homeland Security I have to turn my baseball cap the other way around and try to churn out advice from that perspective. When the lawnmower doesn't start I have to turn my baseball cap around and think like Homeland Security - except I don't think like that so I have to resort to Google to query the function of the lawnmower to understand how it runs and determine why it's not working. Homeland Security in training. It's like reading and understanding in Chinese. So, I try to understand Chinese. Until my son nonchalantly walks outside, rambles on about punching a button to prime it twice, switch something like a choke and then yank the pull start. I suppose he learned all of that from Homeland Security while I was busy working or taking care of the rest of our brood.
You ever watch Charlie's Angels? Well, there is the smart dark haired beauty with no frills - she's the brains, then there is the beautiful one with innate instincts and some pretty good self defense skills and finally there's the quirkily cute, funny one, slightly clumsy but not without her own talents who may be unnecessary to the three, but often steers them in the right direction regardless of the seriousness of the crime. Then there is the "voice of Charlie" - sort of like Homeland Security for the Angels. But that is Hollywood and this is real life. I'm sort of the unnecessary, quirkily cute, funny one - steering everyone in the right direction regardless of the seriousness of life, without Homeland Security (the voice of "Charlie" we hear but never see). So much for relating life to movies, but I have a point here - and that is...there is no instruction manual to deal with so many of the things that we deal with in life.
My former Homeland Security used to often quip that I was raised on television (Little House, The Waltons). Okay, there is truth in that, but there are worse truths be told. Things we face that evoke fear like the death of a family member, illness, finances, vehicles that don't start, running a business, raising children.
We all face fear, something awful that brings us to our knees and makes us want to sob on all fours like a girl. How do you lose a parent, spouse, child, deal with divorce, recession, loss of a job, the recession. Fear will growl at you, follow you, shake you to the core. Fear will make you wonder if you can take the next step. Fear will make you doubt yourself like nothing else in this world.
But then, you call upon your stores of love, hope and faith knowing those little people (now quite big) need you, count on you, and your resolve hardens and strengthens. Even if you feel like a poser amongst those around you, resolve to fight, to move your feet forward and never give up...that's the strength where instruction manuals are born from.
There is nothing heroic in this resolve, it's survival. I'm never going to be the beautifully cute Charlie's Angel, I'm too clumsy even for comic relief and can actually trip even going up stairs, but what matters is that in my heart, I'm as strong as they appear on screen. As I write my own instruction manual, I impart that strength and a few good tips from wearing many hats onto my resiliently strong children. There may never be another Homeland Security and even if there is, it will certainly be a stronger match because we'll both be able to prime, choke and start the lawnmower.
I remember giving birth to my oldest, some 22-years ago, the memory still as alive in my heart like it was yesterday. There was no instruction manual for that either. After some 30 hours of intense labor, the nurses hand me a bundle of joy wrapped up like a burrito (that's what actually popped into my head), with wrinkles of compassion on his brow and the bluest most hypnotizing eyes that blinked knowingly at me as if to say..I know you, I've been listening to the sound of your voice for nine months. Suddenly, all of my fears about whether or not I could be a good mother were eclipsed by love - and another thing, hope that filled my heart for a lifetime. I would go on to experience this three more times. So, how could hope ever abandon me now? I have been fortunate enough to have these beautiful souls entrusted to me. The nurses herded us off to a room and leave us there to start our new life of three (then four, then five and finally six), to figure out what they need when they cry and the beauty of each day refilling your heart with unimaginable love. I look at my then husband and think his position was like Homeland Security. It's up to him to protect, guide and take care of us. He had no instruction manual either, but his role was to ensure the fierce love, protection and guidance that only Homeland Security can provide.
Fast forward to today, there is no Homeland Security anymore, that job has become mine and I have no training in Homeland Security. There is no manual either. When the kids need the perspective of Homeland Security I have to turn my baseball cap the other way around and try to churn out advice from that perspective. When the lawnmower doesn't start I have to turn my baseball cap around and think like Homeland Security - except I don't think like that so I have to resort to Google to query the function of the lawnmower to understand how it runs and determine why it's not working. Homeland Security in training. It's like reading and understanding in Chinese. So, I try to understand Chinese. Until my son nonchalantly walks outside, rambles on about punching a button to prime it twice, switch something like a choke and then yank the pull start. I suppose he learned all of that from Homeland Security while I was busy working or taking care of the rest of our brood.
You ever watch Charlie's Angels? Well, there is the smart dark haired beauty with no frills - she's the brains, then there is the beautiful one with innate instincts and some pretty good self defense skills and finally there's the quirkily cute, funny one, slightly clumsy but not without her own talents who may be unnecessary to the three, but often steers them in the right direction regardless of the seriousness of the crime. Then there is the "voice of Charlie" - sort of like Homeland Security for the Angels. But that is Hollywood and this is real life. I'm sort of the unnecessary, quirkily cute, funny one - steering everyone in the right direction regardless of the seriousness of life, without Homeland Security (the voice of "Charlie" we hear but never see). So much for relating life to movies, but I have a point here - and that is...there is no instruction manual to deal with so many of the things that we deal with in life.
My former Homeland Security used to often quip that I was raised on television (Little House, The Waltons). Okay, there is truth in that, but there are worse truths be told. Things we face that evoke fear like the death of a family member, illness, finances, vehicles that don't start, running a business, raising children.
We all face fear, something awful that brings us to our knees and makes us want to sob on all fours like a girl. How do you lose a parent, spouse, child, deal with divorce, recession, loss of a job, the recession. Fear will growl at you, follow you, shake you to the core. Fear will make you wonder if you can take the next step. Fear will make you doubt yourself like nothing else in this world.
But then, you call upon your stores of love, hope and faith knowing those little people (now quite big) need you, count on you, and your resolve hardens and strengthens. Even if you feel like a poser amongst those around you, resolve to fight, to move your feet forward and never give up...that's the strength where instruction manuals are born from.
There is nothing heroic in this resolve, it's survival. I'm never going to be the beautifully cute Charlie's Angel, I'm too clumsy even for comic relief and can actually trip even going up stairs, but what matters is that in my heart, I'm as strong as they appear on screen. As I write my own instruction manual, I impart that strength and a few good tips from wearing many hats onto my resiliently strong children. There may never be another Homeland Security and even if there is, it will certainly be a stronger match because we'll both be able to prime, choke and start the lawnmower.
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