A Certain Amount of Nonsense Mixed In With Missing Someone Important

She bought things with her heartbeats
Dealt in the currency of time
Counted her pulse to track her spendings
She didn't like to wait in long lines
She wasn't one for banking
Hearbeats aren't something you can save
You either spend them or you lose them
Until there are no heartbeats
I'd give heartbeats to strangers
By listening to their woes
Because a heart's worth more than money
As far as money goes
Money only buys you things
Heartbeats buy so much more

I think back on things and people that I miss the most.  That reminds me how I tried to change.  Yes, I tried to be softer, prettier, close my mouth and not say exactly what it was I wanted to say.  Inevitably, it comes out though.  Even in my dreams I could feel someone travel further and further away.  I missed it before I was gone.  Nonsensical preparation for being dealt the ultimate hand that would mark my fate and I want to turn back time so I can do it differently.

Today, though, I am more brave.  We must persevere and dare to show up and be present.  Even on those days that we feel small.  They say opposites attract, but I think truly we seek what we love in ourselves in another.  Because of that we can look deeper or further into the soul of another because we understand ourselves.  I miss that effective team.

I am self propelled, meaning fueled from within.  I don't need anyone to push me to be better, I'm already there (not perfect) but certainly trying.  I appreciate the opinions of others, but I am not attached to the opinions of them.  I've learned that if you allow the power of someone's opinion to feed you, that power can also starve you. I miss that the power of someone's opinion regardless of what I would do with it.

I like a certain amount of nonsense.  The world is filled with purpose on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.  A certain amount of "nonsense" keeps the wonder in my soul for the outrageous, the magic, the wonderful feeling of amazing.  I miss the amazing magical nonsense. I slept better on amazing days when magical dehydrated me.

I cherish the worries of others in the sense that their feelings are important.  We all have shortcomings.  Resist the impulse to push away the soul who is worried or burdened.  Resist the impulse to make them feel they have let us down and even if they have it doesn't mean they always will.  I miss being able to cherish another's worries as I would my own.

Some people may think that all this notion about love is overrated.  Not me, I think that the day you start thinking it's overrated is the day you've gone wrong.  The only thing wrong with love, faith and hope is not having it.

This new dynamic that is now not so new is difficult.  It's not as simple as you do or you don't.  I know that.  It's just that keeping that around makes it impossible to let go and both are impossible options to be dealt.  I'm not perfect and I don't know any perfect people, only flawed people who are totally worth loving.  I also keep them in my prayers.  In prayer, it is better to have a heart without words than words without heart.

Second Chances

Second chances, most of the time, we don't get one in life.  I bet the Detroit Lions wish they had a second chance against the Packers.   Still, like football, another game, a re-match or do-over may not have the desired result either.  Yet, the thought of having a second chance gives us the feeling of "hope" for a different outcome, and leading up to a second chance we change strategies, re-think the mistakes of the first experience and alter the course, if that is possible.  Life is like that too, sometimes.

I'm no exception either when it comes to that nagging thought about something I should have done, would have done, could have done better..if only.   "If only"  just saying that sounds like a movie title, a romance novel, an illness, a football game...no two words together in our language can mean so much.

If only I would have handled the situation better.  If only I weren't so afraid.  If only I were smarter, more knowledgeable about the subject, better in tune to my heart, more grounded in my affirmations, more well read or in touch with my own self.  If only I were smarter, richer, thinner, funnier, more understanding.  If only.  If only.

I could go on all day with the "if only" statements, but that simply won't lead me anywhere other than a huge squiggly circle that will ultimately haphazardly end up back at ground zero.

I'm only me.  I can try to be different, but the pendulum will only swing so far out before it lands hard, real hard and back in the center.  Along with that comes the realization that some things I can change, others I cannot change.  I think it's meant to be that way in life.  It's having the wisdom to know the difference between the two, this is the skill set I lack.

So, instead, I'm going to just allow myself a few moments to meander into that little day dream world of mine that just so happens to be this brown haired, brown eyed slightly quirky little vixen in touch with her inner geek, whose true self swings more toward the twisted sister humor if you take the time to pry a little bit, most don't.   When she's comfortable, that side comes out, little by little, testing to make sure it's still loveable.   After all, we all just want to be loved.

I don't live in a cinematic version of the Wizard of Oz, where all things are as possible as a dream.  This is reality, the real deal.  This is life and I want a second chance.  A second chance to grab the strong slightly rough hand of Amazing and whirlwind through the dull routine of earnings and sales, with a foundation of love conquers all, mixed with the right amount of incredible experiences that can only be labeled "I didn't know it could be that good"..you see those are the most treasured things in life, things that are experienced with someone which are shelved away in the parts of our soul to be later checked out and revisited occasionally as a reminder that, indeed, it was the best.  No matter what happens in life, those are the things we don't forget.   Not only that, but the fact that Amazing (and Amazing isn't always perfect, but that's what makes it Amazing to begin with), is a part of what makes tomorrow something to look forward to.   Amazing makes those setbacks that occur in everyone's life seem surmontable.   Amazing makes those victories and achievements regardless of whose they are (ours or those we care about) all that sweeter. Amazing makes a Smartphone ring differently because we want it to ring, buzz or tweet.  Amazing makes our cheeks flush with happiness.  Amazing is what life is all about.

A second chance with the rough but strong hand of Amazing may not be possible.  Like I said, this is the real world where things like free will and happy endings in a Nicholas Sparks movie give us an intersection to pause and reflect, and ultimately decide, which road am I going to go down.  Will it be Second Chance Avenue or will it be Not Yet Park Place.  I know where these two roads intersect, but I avoid going close to the stop sign just yet.  Then, "If Only" becomes, "hope" and a second chance requires planning, thought and reevaluating where the last chance ended up, hoping to alter the course.

In the meantime, I know what I want, and every single map I trace my path on circles me back to Second Chance Avenue where the address resides for Amazing.  I just keep on going til I hit my current destination which is yet to be plotted and just a holding pattern until I finally decide I'm either going to rewrite a Nicholas Sparks ending on some grand scale that would make 50-Shades blush or I'm going to exit to the freeway and never look back at Second Chance Avenue and Amazing will still be Amazing, just not to me.   Amazing is never the same twice, ever.  Not in any situation.

So, here's to second chances, followed by "If only" and hoping that Amazing can afford a GPS to get on track and make it to the right intersection.

Everything Happens For A Reason: 33 Things Totally Free

Everything Happens For A Reason: 33 Things Totally Free: I often think, those things which we enjoy the most, truly appreciate the most (and sometimes to forget to appreciate the most) are actuall...

33 Things Totally Free

I often think, those things which we enjoy the most, truly appreciate the most (and sometimes to forget to appreciate the most) are actually free.

1.  The way you make someone feel.

2.  The moment you realize, you are not as alone as you think you are.

3.  When someone loves you at your most unlovable times.

4.  The smile on your child's face, like a moonbeam.

5.  The moment, after it's gone, and not regretting it.

6.  Affecting people without realizing it.

7.  Hope.  Hope.  Hope.

8.  Faith.  Restoring someone's Faith.

9.  Waking up to have another day and another chance to get it right.

10.  A second chance (at anything).

11.  A hug and being hugged tight.

12.  A text, phone call or message of love.

13.  Being missed by someone.

14.  That the sun comes up in the morning without fail as does the moon.

15.  Tolerance.

16.  Comfortable silences amongst those you love.

17.  Butterflies - seen or felt.

18.  Holding a hand.

19.  Trust.

20.  When someone warms your car up in below zero temps.

21.  Having the courage to think for yourself.

22.  Forgiving yourself or someone.

23. If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love -understanding the Paradox (Mother Teresa).

24. The heat of the sun on your bare skin.

25.  Helping someone else find a piece of Joy in their life.

26.  Just being there when you are needed.

27.  The way the words "I love you Mommie" sound as they tumble off of my daughter's lips..

28.  Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say....

29.  Random acts of kindness.

30.  Not holding back.

31.  Your time.  Your time when you are busy.

32.  Listening.

33.  The sound of someone's familiar voice.

A second chance

It is hard to be, the person you want me to be
I am eternally grateful you see
that you have chosen me

So, I've let go of the past and set it free
It holds only the best memories
A time and space in my life that was real for me
Definitely not a thing meant to be

There is something sweet about your persistence to be a "we"
That is to say, a you and me
I'm not used to that kind of freedom to be
A part of someone proud to be with me
The past so hard on my self esteem

In spite of that, you have been there for me
Calling you and me a "we" way before it was agreeable to me

So, I hope that you choose to try on for size
A courtship with me that is not built on demise
But rather a friendship we try on for size

I thank you for being by my side
For understanding the trials of long distance
  And time you must bide
Before I could ever be someone's bride

I'm willing to try, you by my side
Until such a time when either should decide
That we were not meant to be by each other's side.

For now, I will try to be a good friend
As you seek so hard to be able to bend
To my silly feelings rooted in the past
Connected to a soul to which there was an end

My judgement was poor
But the lesson was rich
If you act like a bitch
You will never make him switch

With that I have learned to choose comfort over love
That was the message from way above
To keep our souls in heaven regardless of love

So now I am yours and we can sign our cards "we"
For there is no better place than with you sitting next to me.

Everything Happens For A Reason: Love, Loved, Everyone Just Wants to Be Loved

Everything Happens For A Reason: Love, Loved, Everyone Just Wants to Be Loved: Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times.  Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship ...

Love, Loved, Everyone Just Wants to Be Loved

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times.  Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever, quite possibly.  This will teach you who your true friends are and the fine line between friendship and more.  Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.  And once you must fall in love with someone exactly like you.  To teach you who you are and who you want to be.  Once you have lived through all of that, you learn that the people who care about you most are the ones that you hurt and the ones you hurt are the ones you needed the most.  Most of all, you start to learn that love is only a concept and not something that can be defined.  It is different to each person and the sum total of their experiences. You learn to understand that everyone only just wants to be loved.

Aside from the pain, suffering and hard choices you have to find the things you love and run to them.  That which does not kill you makes you stronger?  I really don't think so.  I think strength comes from the good things and the people in your life who are always there.  These things, you hold onto when your spirit is broken, when your'e hurt, when you're not the most lovable.

Like most sensitive souls, you already know you are sensitive.  You soak up the moods of those you care for like a sponge.  There's nothing wrong with being sensitive.  Truth is, most times I feel too much, every word, every action and every energy often goes straight to my heart.  I often wear it.

Who has time for casual love?   I prefer the fierce kind, where your heart is on display and everything you have is handed over in passion like a gift, hoping that the gift is unwrapped gently. If you have to wonder if you have passion, cross the word wonder out and it simply becomes a question, not an answer.

Truth is, the more intimately you know someone, regardless of who, the more clearly you see their flaws. That's just how it's meant to be, you know.  You get to see just how flawed we all really are when you're sick, tired, frustrated, mad, hurt or broken or under pressure.  In those moments, you know you still love when things are ugly.  Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love is deliberate.  Love is hard.  Love is pain and sometimes sacrifice.  It's seeing the darkness in another and refusing budge.

I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what is is to me.  It comes from trusting them to know all of these things that make you, you.  Often beautiful, sometimes not and including the things you may be ashamed of.  It's feeling comfortable and safe, and still feeling weak in the knees when you're in the same room.  It's about trust and respect.  It doesn't matter who it is when we speak of love, it matters simply that we love.  Isn't that what life is all about?  Doing all things in love?