Letting Go of Crappy

Some relationships are incredibly pernicious. We often develop relationships out of convenience, without considering the traits necessary to build a successful bond with another person—important traits like unwavering support and shared trust and loving encouragement.

When a relationship is birthed out of convenience it is bound to fail. We need more than a person’s physical presence to maintain a meaningful connection, but we routinely keep people around because … well, simply because they’re already around.

It’s easy to develop a connection with someone who’s always there and we don't always choose our family members, coworkers.  Sometimes, it's not always a choice as to who will be in your life.  It takes work to keep any relationship going..your time, your care.  When the "core" of a relationship changes, no matter who it is, it is time to reevaluate. 

We’ve all held on to someone who didn’t deserve to be there for whatever reason.  The memories hurt, you wonder if it was real or if you convinced yourself it was real. Regardless, what is left is a box full of memories or a situation that occurred and you file it somewhere in the back of your soul, pieces of that memory slide out now and again and the pang or pain you feel in your gut is all too real.    

Sometimes, we hold people on a pedestal.  And we can't put people on a pedestal...because they don't belong there.  These people poop, burp, fart, have their good points and bad points just like every human.  Take the blinders off.  And if you remember, you probably thought most of these things were once endearing, cute or funny.

Fortunately, regardless of the situation - it may be fixable to a degree and maybe it's not. 

First, you can attempt to fix the relationship. This is obviously the preferable solution (albeit not always possible or worthwhile). People change over time, and so do relationships. You can change how your relationship works—be it marriage, friendship, or family—without completely ditching the relationship. 

Sit down with the person who’s draining the vitality from your life and explain to them what must change in order for your relationship to work. Explain that you need them to be more supportive, that you need them to participate in your growth, that they are important to you, but that you are important too.  Explain that you’re not attempting to change them as a person; you simply want to change how your relationship works.

Finally, ask them what they’d like to change about the relationship. Ask them how you can add more value. Listen attentively, act accordingly.

Or, if you’re unable to change the relationship, you can end it altogether. This is incredibly difficult, but it applies to any relationship: family, friends, lovers, coworkers, acquaintances. If someone is doing nothing but draining your life, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell them “This relationship is no longer right for me, so I must end it—I must move on.”  Remember, if they truly valued you, loved you, cared for you...well, you would know it.  People don't go around destroying what they love.

It’s OK to move on. You owe it to yourself to move on. You owe it to yourself to be happy with the relationships you have. You are in control.

Moving on is sometimes the only way to develop new, empowering relationships. Starting anew, empty-handed and full-hearted, you can build fresher, stronger, more supportive relationships—important relationships that allow you to have fun and be happy and contribute beyond yourself. These are the meaningful relationships we all need.

It’s also important to do your part. You too must add value to the relationship. Not value in the form of gifts or monetary value, but by showing up every day and rigorously exhibiting how much you care, demonstrating your love through consistent actions, continually going out of your way to help the other person grow.

You see, both people must do their part to grow the relationship. Only then will both of you be satisfied with the relationship you’ve built.