Dating..Just When You Think You've Seen and Heard It All.. From The Trenches

Holiday drinks with a girlfriend of mine and the first thing out of her mouth is..."made any progress with dating?"  I cringe, visibly.  After the second Margherita, not my fave, but hers, she grabs my phone while I'm in the restroom and literally signs me up on Match.com.  Good grief.  I have had experience with a couple of blind dates, the first of which was a horrible disaster.  Who am I kidding... the first and only one.

Someone, most likely a family member or well-meaning friend makes your blind date out to be a "Clive Owen" double and who can blame them, playing cupid is fun, I suppose.  Unless you're me.  Anyway, always meet in a public place - so Applebees it was and having only viewed one photograph, obviously almosts five years old, I didn't recognize the guy.  Nice enough.  Small talk, a cocktail with an umbrella on the table.  Then, he starts coughing until he produces large amounts of phlegm.  Yep.  Yep.  That did it.  After some motherly concern, I was headed for an exit sign faster than you can leave a $50.00 to cover the tab and get the heck out.

Never, ever doing that again...nope.  Not ever.

SO, I say this seriously.  It's bad out there and if you're in a relationship, just stay right there if you can.  Date night at the movies and dinner out...shamelessly boring, but great fun if you're with the right one.    Anyway, here are some lines we laughed about over cocktails if you think you want to try online dating don't be surprised to hear any version of the following:

I

Here are some really good things NOT to say if you want my attention:"Hey..if you are slightly interested, let's move fast and see if there is a connection.  I hope that does not sound to bad.  i just thought of a sweet business idea and have limited time as of now.  Thank you."

I don't get it?  Is the guy doing an infomercial?  Is his offer for a limited time only?  I thought his next message might be something like:  "If you act now, and be one of the first 10, you win a free blender!"

This is probably what this guy looks like in real life

Okay - the next one (maybe a fake account)..well probably a fake account because, this photo was tall, dark and handsome with a six pack and the age was 55.

"Your real purty, you have a real purty face.  I'm not just saying this as a pick up line, I really mean it.  I was looking at other profiles and I came upon yours, you made me stop and just stare at your picture!  What is your phone number so we can see if there is chemistry between us and if this could lead to a beautiful relationship.

And then provided an actual phone number…I am actually really curious to know what this phone number leads to. Drunk texting fun anyone? In all seriousness, though, this number probably belongs to the Craigslist killer. Too bad this was the sweetest message I’ve gotten so far…

Here’s one that is to the point:

“Hey ya, How ya doin’ ? I bet you have been hitting on daily basis by the members of this website. I was wondering if you are up for one night stand type of thing. Since i am not really looking for something too serious, i decided to give a shot with this website. Oh well i hope we can talk soon;)”

This guy I broke the rule of no contact for because I had bust his balls for this horrible message. I sent him a confusing, possibly I would be interested but it was too ambiguous to tell message. Especially for someone this dumb. He ended up chatting me at one point and we had a long conversation about how booty calls work. Not surprisingly, I was the one providing the education on this… Once I had become bored, I promptly told him I would never take a booty call from online and blocked him.

This one sounds like we are discussing a business deal. It would make sense because he is 48…

“Hi, how are you?
I would like to chat with you.
Can we meet for coffee sometime within next couple of weeks?”

I will tell him that I am booked for the next couple of weeks, but he could arrange something with my secretary possibly.

This one I don’t even know how to respond, so I didn’t…and of course he sent a second message:

“Hey beautiful, how are you? It’s so funny how the freezing morning makes you cuss at first with a toothbrush in your mouth at 6:30 a.m while it becomes your best friend with a warm sun up around noon time. Gotta love the Michigan winters, right? : )”

First of all, don’t start the message off with beautiful, it makes you sound like a douche. Second of all..WHAT THE EFF are you talking about??!!

Here is the “better attempt”:

“I’m sure work, friends, family, and all the other responsibilities must be keeping you busy. We’re living in a fast-paced crazy place called .....after all, right? Find your way for a quick minute and say hello sometime. It’ll be fun, I promise…I know the guy, he’s cool : )”

No, dumbass, I am not too busy to answer you, I just don’t want to. So please, don’t fool yourself.

Okay seriously, how is this even funny??

“So, what are the odds of a guy like you and a girl like me getting together?”

Don’t ever call me a dude. Period.

Here is an interesting approach if you’re an older gentleman:

“Any interest in slighter older, kind of interesting and adorable older man?  
i hope you’ll reply.”

And no, this did not work. Because he was 65.

HappyEnding says: “nice photos”. Seriously, if you’re screen name starts with ‘happyending” don’t pass go, don’t collect $200, just go straight to the Korean massage shack down the road.

Here is an interesting way to engage a conversation:

“What do you like to talk about? Recently there were some tornadoes in the Midwest and South. Should people donate money to the American Red Cross? Or should FEMA take responsibility for aiding the survivors? Or should each individual pull themselves up by their own boot straps and fend for their lives? How much aid is appropriate?”

Like I said...if you're in a relationship, stay in it.  Unless you're like me, and I'm possibly going to be the oldest single person in history using online dating and way past my 50 first dates.  Maybe it will make for a good blog someday.